0:05
Hello and welcome to the Inside Community Podcast.
I’m your host, Rebecca Mezritz.
This episode is being released as a new year has begun.
We are still in that dark season and that time of inward turning and introspection when a lot of people make goals for what they want to call in, when the light begins to change and the days become longer.
0:28
This is such a great time of year to think about who we want to be and what we want to do with the gift that is this life.
I’m guessing that if you are listening to this podcast, one of the things you’re most interested in creating is deeper connections with the people around you.
0:45
Whether that is through collaborative culture endeavors, a community Co-op, more healthy, thriving, integrated church or school communities.
Or maybe that is full on intentional community living that you were dreaming into for yourself and your family.
Well, as I’m putting a capstone on Season 2 of the Inside Community podcast, today’s conversation feels like a really beautiful way to leave off.
1:09
It’s a conversation that is applicable regardless of where you are in your journey.
Because today we’re talking about how to build your dream community even if you don’t live in community.
How to build that feeling of connection and support.
And to do this, I’m drawing on the wisdom of three amazing communitarians who have decades of combined experience.
1:32
Last summer at the Full Bloom Festival at the Emerald Village in San Diego, I had the privilege of hosting a panel discussion on their Future Founders Stage with Thomas Wall, Aaron Kallo, and Leila Mccrease.
And we got to get into the nitty gritty as they shared their hard earned lessons and greatest triumphs of community building.
1:53
So wherever you may be in your community journey, this episode is sure to have some useful and inspiring ideas for you.
I hope you enjoy.
There are so many ways that people can start to bring the principles of collaborative culture into their lives before they’re even living in community.
2:20
And whether you are actually living in community or not, these are such amazing ways of connecting with other people.
And Dave Buddha sent me a a photo the other day that I’ll I’ll read from at the end of our talk today.
2:37
But it has all these little great ideas about just like looking up when you’re walking around, you know, or planting a garden or sharing a meal.
And so I’ve invited these amazing communitarians here today to talk about some of the ways that we can build community, whether you’re living in community or not.
2:58
And I’m really honored to have three incredible communitarians here.
To my immediate right here, I have Leila Mccrease.
She’s one of the founders at the Emerald Village, and she’s brought her background and education to serve the community for the past 13 years.
3:15
She is lovingly known as Mama Leila for being a stand for growth and connection.
And her wisdom is an integral part of the village.
Here at the Emerald Village.
I also have my old friend Tom Wall, who Thomas Wall, who is director of first impressions at Liberty Arising Healing Sanctuary in Blvd.
3:36
California.
Thomas has been living at Liberty for eight years and has been living in community for over 18 years.
He holds a master’s in marriage and family therapy and has been guiding people in their relationship health for the past 25 years.
So thank you for being here, Thomas and Aaron Kalo, who is a new friend, is a communitarian dedicated to meaningful human connection.
4:01
He’s an experienced circle facilitator, somatic healing and Co regulation guide, emotional resilience trainer and men’s work guide supporting families, organizations, schools and communities locally.
And he’s up in the Occidental area of California, I believe, at Retreat community, Joy Woods, Joy Woods community.
4:22
So lots of experience here on this panel and really excited to share with you all on the topic today.
So let’s get right into it.
I just want to start by just sort of grounding the idea of, you know, what would you say are the most important elements of creating a community vibe?
4:47
Actually, let’s let’s reverse behind that.
How would you describe your dream community?
So let’s start with that idea of like, what even is community to you, each of you?
Well, I think that the thing that stands out in my mind when you are going to embark on something like this is that often times when you are looking at friendship, you might be looking at how am I similar to this person?
5:20
How do our values align and how do we bring our gifts to the world in a similar way?
And I wouldn’t necessarily recommend that for community because the beauty of community is that people are unique and that they each have something unique to offer and a different skill set.
5:43
And so I think that although there’s probably going to be a common thread of like shared values and connection in ways that you enjoy living, often times it’s nice to find people that have a different skill set than you.
6:03
You know, it’s interesting.
When I saw this question beforehand, I was like, oh, dream comedian.
I’m like, oh, wow, I’m living in my dream, you know, And I kind of knew that.
But it was a good reaffirming situation.
You know, I think one of the benefits that I’ve really seen is that a community we live in is well established.
6:20
We’ve been around for 30 years.
This summer actually is in June was 30 years.
So to the day pretty much.
And I find for me personally, and what I find in the dream of community is one, it’s self-sustaining.
6:37
And so we’re financially self-sustaining.
We have a retreat center that we host our own retreats and other people have retreats to.
So that gives us some financial fluidity.
And what that allows us to do is to be able to serve others because, you know, that’s ultimately what I want to be doing in the community is I want to wake up every day and be in service.
7:00
And we are allowed to do that.
We were able to do that.
And you know, I find in the act of service, I grow and expand because, you know, it feels so fucking good, honestly.
You know, it’s just like, you know, we live.
We are in a very unique situation because we are right at the border.
7:17
So the border crisis that is happening, and I’m not kidding you when I said this is literally at our front gate.
So we will see thousands of immigrants being processed every single month.
And it hurts the heart, like really, really hurts my heart.
7:34
Let me speak directly.
And I see that.
And I’m like, I feel like I have to be doing more all the time.
What can I be doing?
And I’m really grateful that in this dream that I’m able to be, I get to keep doing what I’m doing and I get to serve people, you know, and I’m very clear.
7:56
And we have one of our community members here with us too.
And I think she would attest to this too, is that I am very clear that people come to our facility and our land and our sanctuary and they always leave a little bit better than they came.
And to me, that’s the dream, you know, honestly.
8:13
And I’m so grateful.
I get more grateful every time I talk about it and think about it.
So I may cry A.
Bit I I cry often when I think about that.
I get to live in my dream right now in some redwoods on a farm with families.
So when I think that question, I start to like, want to just close my eyes for a second and maybe even invite you all to do the same and just be like, what does it feel like?
8:34
And so I imagine friends and families walking by me every day and saying hello and then stopping and dropping in just casually or can we talk and having the meals together and just being in this flow of life, village life, the way we were, in my opinion, meant to be.
8:54
And so I just just this connection to land and each other and for me, spirit.
And then those from the outside are coming to visit, which I experience them as they do coming to visit for a refuge or a sanctuary to get away from it all, from the concrete, from the noise, from the just the things that are not in our human nature.
9:16
And so that community can really be a refuge in a sanctuary for everybody in a greater community.
But then in a living felt sense way, it’s how I think about the dream community that I wouldn’t say we’re fully there, but we’re in very good stages of actualizing.
One other thing came up for me in that question, and I’ll try to be brief just to to be honoring the time we have is we started putting structures together that now have their own kitchens.
9:44
That was a mistake because we don’t eat together as much anymore.
Every morning and every evening we would eat together just because we all ate around the same rhythms.
And now we have to work to it.
So we have to get back to like almost a scheduled life, which is what I think a lot of us trying to get away from.
9:59
Like schedule the tea with a friend and schedule the dinner and like, Oh no, no, no.
The first is just being in flow.
So being in flow might be the best way to describe that.
For people who are just listening at home and driving in the car and can’t see who’s talking, that was Layla and then Thomas and now Aaron.
And I just want to pick back up on that idea because it kind of leads me to my next question, which was about the elements of creating that vibe.
10:24
And I think that is one thing that I’m so deeply aware of is food.
The breaking of bread is like, absolutely.
It’s just not even.
You can’t even have community if you don’t eat together.
I’m sorry.
Like, I don’t even like, what are you even doing with your life?
10:40
So yeah, you know, like I.
Really love to.
Eat I do, I am kind of low key obsessed with food.
So maybe high key obsessed with food.
So it is.
But for me, it’s really, it’s really important to be able to come together and be in that state of, of relaxation and sharing and communing over food.
11:01
And obviously that up a lot of things because people have lots of different ways of eating and dietary needs and preferences and things like that.
But I, I love that point of like, yeah, we have our own kitchens now.
And it’s like, how do we bring it back together?
11:16
You know, you have to really schedule that community meal so that you can have that sort of that shared time.
Yeah, a couple of things come up for me when you say that just in relation to food as the entry point.
The 1st is a couple weeks ago I stopped at the store and bought some ice cream like oh, I’m going to buy this for community, put it in the freezer.
11:36
And I told everybody I don’t know what this is, sound like I have the answers.
It just like came to me as I had the ice cream, right?
But I was like, oh, this is community ice cream.
So the rule was you can’t have ice cream unless it’s with three other people that aren’t in the same household.
So literally 2 nights later, one of our work traders came in as like, can I eat the ice cream?
11:55
I’m like, you know the rules.
So he like went into other people’s structures at 10:00 at night, right?
Are you still awake?
And I’m like, he knows I go to bed early.
Like, yeah.
So we had like six of us eating ice cream in my little cabin.
Just sharing.
We did a heart share.
We all kind of shared what’s happening in our life.
So like, I think food is such a great entry point for really force functioning.
12:14
I love that community.
The other thing for us too, which is really important and we pause it for a little while, is bringing in the greater community.
So we have weekly potlucks where obviously what’s a great way to share food, but bringing the greater community over food and doing that is such an important piece.
12:31
And the last thing is just sharing food.
Like a lot of communities have different rules about sharing food, have different ways.
Whatever it is.
I find personally when I share my food, I’m in such a deeper connection with everybody.
There’s like a love exchange.
Oh, you can have my food, this is my shelf, go ahead.
And I carry chocolate around too and offer that.
12:47
Oh, that’s good to know.
Yeah, here’s the chocolate.
I’m really here for the chocolate more.
The.
Cars.
It’s so interesting that you both brought this topic off up because as I was reviewing the questions, that was like the first thing that came to me too is that I’m a big, I love the love languages and I think it falls short because I feel like cooking and communing with food should be its own love language, you know, and I realize it kind of hits all of them, you know, that’s probably why.
13:23
But so that’s a big one for sure.
And I think the idea, you know, like, you know, getting back to the question, the idea of like creating a community vibe, you know, we get, I’ve had the pleasure of like over 8 years of seeing all these different structures that we have.
13:42
How many people right now?
We have the most we’ve had in a while.
We have 12 and we’re working with part time residents too.
One of the most important things I think is like, don’t forget to have like a lot of fun because it’s so easy.
I think that anybody here, it’s so easy to get stuck.
13:57
Oh, we got all these things to do, right?
It’s a list.
The list never ends.
You know, all of that too.
And So what I feel like I personally like to feed into our community and that we do a pretty good job with is making sure we’re having fun.
We have to actually structure it in though, you know, it doesn’t sometimes like, oh, that’s right, we forgot.
14:14
So we know we do movie nights a lot.
We’ll go out, you know, into town.
I just met up with some friends, went to play in town, stuff like that.
In addition to that, I just completely lost my train of thought.
Yeah, don’t have fun.
14:32
And the structure.
And, you know, the idea of that though, ultimate too is like, you know, we have to actually plan things out.
You know, I mean like plan the things into the, the, the vibe.
And you know, as we do that too.
14:47
And then when we’re doing things that are hard work, one thing I’m, I’m leaning into in my life in general is the mastery of that fun.
So we had a huge build project last year, building with Super Adobe, which is it’s a hard process.
15:02
Like it’s a lot of physical labor, it’s a lot of movement.
We’re in the high desert, so a lot of heat.
But you know, it was really interesting to watch.
The number one thing we did is fed people really well.
So it gets back to what we’re already saying here too, is the nourishment, but incorporating so much fun in that live music, you know, dancing, dance parties, all that too.
15:22
And I think it’s, it’s kind of easy to lose sight of that really quickly.
But in the idea of vibe, I’d say fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.
And when we’re having fun, we’re living and we’re creating our love.
And I think everything.
And what I’ve also noticed, and this is a good note too, is you get a lot more work out of people.
15:41
And I and I laugh at that, but I’m always thinking about that too, Like how can we maximize this time of everybody together?
And so in that fun, in that lightness around that too, I think is a really important key.
Can I?
Add 2 quick things.
Very quick one is dancing.
After every meeting we dance, we put on some dance because there’s a lot of tension.
15:57
So dancing and fun for sure.
And I’m seeing these beautiful couple Co regulate right here and I’m noticing like that’s a big piece like cuddles and Co regulation and pro body work is really helpful.
Thanks.
I think that we really noticed that we were living our dream during COVID lockdown.
16:19
And the reason being that we are all pretty busy individuals and we have jobs and we’re going out and we’re creating or we were often in the process of creating events or inviting people from the outside to come and having open community meals.
16:38
And during COVID, it was just like this restful time and we got to experience what it was like to live in a village.
I love to bake, so I was having people come over to come bake with me, and I was having all this time with the kids who weren’t in school.
16:57
We created our own little school in the yurt for the children to do a homeschool thing.
And each person shared their gifts with the kiddos during that time.
And, you know, other people brought their skills and their abilities, but it was like, it was kind of like this beautiful moment in time where we got to go, like, Oh yeah, we’re living the dream.
17:18
This is why we did this.
This is why we built this.
This is why we have food, resort reserves.
This is why we have gardens and animals and all the things that make a village.
And also this is a good time where we get to play like what they’re talking about, this element of play and balancing that with the amount of effort and work that it is.
17:42
Because sometimes when you are the ones living in community, it’s it’s a little bit of a joke that we have here.
We’re like, no other people come here to rest.
We work, we work to make it awesome so other people can come here and rest.
I have friends that say like, oh, like when I come to EVO, I get, I get in like the Evo Vortex and I don’t leave for three days, you know, because they’re just like enjoying everything that we’ve created.
18:07
But sometimes when you’re the ones that are doing it, it feels like a lot of work, you know, So balancing that and obviously what everyone here is talking about community, what we call community glue time at that time where you come together, you, you break bread, you, you know, give each other a massage and have a snuggle and, you know, just enjoy.
18:31
Yeah, I’ll just add, I’ll take it because I love, I love this.
And I’m thinking about, you know, it is there’s the there’s the all these things that we’re talking about right now are the glue, are the the yummy things that you think about having and sharing with your neighbors, whether you’re in community or not.
18:49
I would add in here good governance.
That’s in my dream community is like really solid individuals who are organized, who know how to work together as a team, who have good decision making processes, who have, you know, you know, you’re talking about Co regulation, but good conflict resolution skills.
19:14
You know, the nice thing about not living in community is that if somebody pisses you off, you’re like, bye, bye.
I don’t have to talk to you again.
Like you bug, like go away and then you just you’re done.
19:30
You really are done.
And when you are living next door to someone and not only are you living next door, you can’t just like put up the wall.
You have to come back to that, you have to come back together, You have to work it out because you’re working on projects together, your kids are playing together, you’re building gardens together, you’re putting events on together, you know, so having making sure that in my, I mean in my dream community, we have really amazing conflict resolution strategies and we have really awesome.
20:03
Governance, which is like, how are we getting things done?
How are we making our decisions about what we’re doing?
How are we, whether it’s a vote or a consensus model, like we’ve decided that in advance and we know that we can actually, it’s safe to work on bigger projects together.
20:22
You know, it’s, it’s a lot easier to just have fun with people when you’re working on large projects and trying to actually make a positive change in the world.
You, you need to feel safe with the people that you’re working with.
And so having those good governance structures in place means that you can relax a little bit into the the process.
20:48
You can relax into the procedure.
You’re held by the structure.
And you know, oh, OK, this person’s got that aspect of the problem.
Like, you know, they’re over there doing land.
I don’t have to worry about land.
I don’t have to worry about the kids because my job is accounting and I’m going to go rock that accounting and make sure all of our, you know, bills are paid on time, that you know, that whatever it is that you’re doing is handled on that front.
21:12
Different people are holding the different parts of it.
You know, that it’s, it’s nice and diverse that people are holding different skills.
So that’s another piece for me that I would just throw in there.
To add a little bit to that too, you know, because you know, what do you got for me?
21:28
Like we’ve been, I’ve been in this process for eight years and so we see all these different versions of what we’ve been through.
And I think one thing I’ve found really helpful is how you front load somebody who may be entering into your community so they understand structure that you’re stepping into.
We have a very lengthy process of people filling out a proposal and really understanding from the start like what their strengths are, what their weaknesses are, what they want.
21:54
And that part of the, you know, the structure of the governance, I think is really helpful because people have a vision of what they want and then they step into it and it’s always different.
You know, I just think that’s how life is.
But what I found in that specific tool of having the proposal is I always, you know, and I think I’ve the Adelaide’s here again too.
22:15
I remember having this conversation with you, like go back and read your proposal, you know, because it’s, you know, I think our job in community is to hold this is what you want for yourself.
So it’s less of like this is what the community wants from you, It’s more of like this is what you want for yourself and your community is here to support you, you know, and that too, The other thing I’d like to add to, and I’ve learned this twice in my life and that’s why I want to share it is, you know, collective and community is really helpful.
22:42
But the idea of like where everybody has a voice fully, I don’t think it works personally.
I was in a circus circle, Boo.
We had that.
It didn’t work.
OK.
And then in our community at one point that’s what it was.
Everybody had a voice at the meeting, every topic, all that.
22:58
It just So what I find is better is that you have structure at the top.
Everybody can input in that, but there’s some decision makers at the top and then you know how you share that with others too.
So I do feel like that was really helpful thing I’ve learned.
Yeah, we still want to stay on this topic, Yeah.
23:17
OK.
You guys maybe think of two things. 1 is what Rebecca said, which is having people owning the projects.
I’ve seen a community where there’s like one or three, like the founders that are doing everything and kind of assigning the tasks.
And really to ensure like when people come into community, they know they’re going to have to own something.
23:35
So they’re adding value back to the community.
And so they’re feeling valued as well as giving back.
And so I have no ownership along the the tasks or projects is so key to just freeze up a lot more energy in my experience versus everybody getting involved in everything or just a few people managing it.
23:53
Yeah.
And then the the second thing is maybe I’ll just share a short story that gives a little bit more context to what we’re talking about.
So the one of the two founders of our community had a problem with me and she just really was very clear about it and how she just felt that I was crossing a boundary with her.
24:13
And I was like, wow, OK, thanks for sharing.
That took me back a little back and feel my chest still when somebody brings that kind of energy, especially in the male and female and masculine feminine dynamic.
So we talked through it and then I asked her like, how inside a community are we going to grow from this?
24:30
I asked her if she could, you know, support me in this process and by offering access part of the tool set, like how can you support me and becoming a better person to then honor you?
It was beautiful because we went for a couple months working on like, hey, point this out when it comes up in the moment or bring it to me.
24:46
And then after two months, we had somebody else, which is a great practice, sit in and bear witness to our conversation, which holds a really tight space versus it just being a back and forth.
And then it’s like, well, he said this, she said that like having somebody watch you in that process.
And in two months, like the personal growth for me, being more aware of her sensitivities, which I’m sure not just hers, but other people was like beautiful.
25:08
And yeah, just to witness that her reflect back to me.
Wow, you actually did a really good job.
I wasn’t even expecting to say this, but I did.
And so having these processes are just so good for our personal growth that tie back into the communal growth.
It’s kind of one in the same in this Infinity of the personal growth, community growth.
And then the last very brief point I’ll mention is like, I believe these processes are so important, but if we haven’t been willing to do the personal work to enter these processes with like the depth of a grounded intention and and all the other things, like the processes can even start to fall apart within the personal conflict.
25:41
So yeah, I’ll leave it there.
Yeah, I think there’s there’s something in here too, which again, it’s like kind of right now on to the next sort of little idea is, you know, when what are the things that stop us from being able to enjoy community?
26:00
You know, what are the things that stop us from being able to to build community?
And if you’ve listened to my podcast, you know, I talk a lot about the beautiful and the messy.
I let Leila and I joke them people come and they’re like, I want to live in community.
I want to live in community.
And we’re like, do you really?
26:18
Are you sure?
Are you sure ’cause you know, we have, we do have ideas about, Oh, you know, like kumbaya and all that.
And it’s like, are you really ready to see yourself?
Are you really ready to have the mirror held up to you, which I think is what?
26:34
Every corner, Yeah.
Just a relationship like this, like.
Boom.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Yeah.
Yeah, which is exactly what you’re talking about, Aaron, is that, you know, you’re gonna have mirrors held up to you every single day and you need to be not just like willing, but like actually kind of like grossly curious about like where, what am I missing about myself?
26:55
How can I receive those reflections and not take it, not take it personally, but also kind of, you know, it’s like that both and it’s like do the personal work but not take it personally.
And also when I’m hearing, I’ll just say as, as we take this this course of the conversation, are we willing to see the people that we interact with as new people every day?
27:23
Because I think a lot of times what happens is we have an image of someone as a baked cake and most people are not.
I mean, we are kind of baked, but like might not have the frosting half baked.
Depending on what community you’re in, you might be half baked.
But you know, I mean, maybe we don’t have the frosting or the sprinkles on top yet, You know, there’s.
27:44
Maybe maybe a little more baked when we’re at festivals.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
But there is this thing that I’m seeing also of like the beauty of of us, like part of our work is recognizing that like, oh, I might have an issue with Layla.
28:01
Do I want to hold on to that issue?
Like do I want to have a picture of her as this person that is not able to change and like only be able to see her through the lens of like she always does this, like always.
That’s so Layla.
28:18
Or do I want to say like, wow, I can actually see that you’ve grown and changed.
I can actually see the work that you’ve put in.
I can see the progress that you’ve made and the the effort that you’ve made to like continue to grow and continue to evolve and continue to be a a better communitarian and a better mother and a better friend and all of that.
28:36
And it’s really, I think it’s so easy to just pigeonhole people.
It’s a lot harder to to be forgiving of other people because we’re really not that forgiving of ourselves.
So yeah, just throwing that in the mix.
I’ll start something like and I’ll pass it down.
I’ll be quick.
28:52
The one thing that I’ve really took away from that, Rebecca, was at the end is when we can let people live into what we want them to be like the appreciation.
I really appreciated when you did this.
So giving them the empowerment, the grace to live into who they are versus always calling out what they’re not.
29:09
Like this is so powerful.
I mean, it’s a parenting technique to like, really appreciate the things you want to see people do more of versus calling them out in the one time, maybe in 100 that they didn’t do what you thought because they’re they’re they’re doing it.
It’s just not all the time.
And then the second piece was conversation that beer and I were having this morning back to the beginning of like, Are you ready for community work?
29:29
Trade is a beautiful way to enter various communities.
So to come in and to do work trade for communities and spend a couple weeks or a month and offer just like your service to community and experience it.
Like sometimes it’s hard to get into all these other communities that don’t have visitor programs, but many of them do have for more informal work trade like we do.
29:47
And so if you’re looking like experience it more, it’s a really nice way.
I really resonated with the point they were making of, you know, what the way that I say it to myself is, I want to love the version of the person in front of me today.
30:04
So I feel like for me in community, I feel like I’m in all these different marriages.
You know, it’s very polyamorous.
I don’t have sex with these people, but I, you know, have very deep relationships, you know, and you know, looking at through that lens is really helpful and we’re all different everyday.
30:23
What I would add to that, and this is what I’ve been doing in my life and I found it incredibly helpful.
I’ll give you a great example.
It’s just happened.
My one of my closest friends, we’ve been friends for 25 years.
He lived with us five years ago.
He was with his partner.
30:39
Lots of it was really great, lots of award simply because of his partner dynamic.
He’s back solo and I knew right from the start that I wanted to sit down with him.
And I said to him, I said, Steve, I want you to know like I’m a different person than the person you lived with five years ago.
30:55
And this is how I’m different.
And I really want you to see that.
You know, as a relationship therapist, what I noticed is when we’re in a long term relationship, so family is obviously usually the longest, OK, friends, partners, that we, our mind works in a way that we hold on to these stories, which I think you’re kind of what you’re saying, Rebecca.
31:18
And then we start having that lens and then we’re seeing the person through that lens, you know, and of course the person has changed in some way because we all change every single day.
So I find it really helpful to advocate for yourself also and be like, hey, this is what I’m working on.
31:36
This is where I’m at.
For me personally, it’s grace.
Like I, I’m a Taurus.
So historically I’m not, I’m very pushy, I’m very driven.
And I’m like, yeah.
And I’ve rolled over a lot of people in time, but I don’t do that anymore.
I’m very clear in that probably once in a while, but it’s, it’s noticeably different.
31:55
And I know that and I am excited about that and I know how I’ve gotten here, but being able to advocate for yourself that way.
And my friend Steve was like, he came back to me shortly after that.
He’s like, you know, Thomas is right, Like I totally see how you’ve changed and growing and it’s brought so much harmony to our relationship for that.
32:16
So I think, you know, it’s important for you to because it, this is part of the self reflection also.
Like if we’re able to spend that time and like, Oh, I know what’s present for me.
I know how I’ve grown and we’ll be able to nurture that in our relationships and let the people in a relationship with, they actually will see it and I think it facilitates a lot of things a lot quicker than without having that there.
32:48
Hey, this is Daniel Greenberg, Co director of the Foundation for Intentional Community, and I want to ask you a question.
What is your most hopeful vision for the future?
I know it’s hard to be positive given the state of the world.
But even deeper than climate change and other catastrophes lies a crisis of meaning, a colossal failure of our collective imagination.
33:13
You know, most people today find it easier to imagine the end of civilization than the end of capitalism or war.
But our economic, social, and political systems are just stories.
We can change, that we must change if we are to survive and hopefully thrive in the coming decades.
33:34
So where are the new storytellers?
Where are people imagining what we might become?
You can see where I’m heading with this, right?
Intentional communities are not only envisioning more hopeful futures, they are creating physical, social, cultural, and economic models for how we can live well and lightly together.
33:57
This is why we’re so passionate about our work at the FIC.
It takes community to manifest a future we’ve barely begun to imagine.
It also takes community to build a foundation.
The foundation for intentional community needs your support so we can help you and others turn dreams into reality.
34:21
So please join us at ic.org, become a member, participate in our virtual conversations, learn from expert instructors and consultants, and visit ic.org/donate and contribute what you can today.
34:36
Thanks.
I think that also segues into finding the person or the people that are going to hold you to your higher self.
34:53
And so, for example, within our community, there was a time that we were not, you know, really seeing eye to eye, having a difficult time.
Thomas Wall came and he held space for us.
And when Thomas was there, he’s able to look at me with fresh eyes.
35:12
He’s able to look at me and go like, Mama Leila, this is who you are.
This is who I see you as.
And because of that, that gives everyone in the room an opportunity to see that again.
And I think finding those people, those, whether they be mentors or spiritual teachers or therapists, that can come in and hold space and allow you to process through the things and see each other anew.
35:40
And that willingness to do that, and also that willingness to take personal responsibility, like you said, Rebecca.
I’m looking for the crossover points between your inside of an intentional community and you are inside of, you know, you’re just general communities, your neighborhoods, your churches, your social groups.
36:01
You know, what are some of the other things that you see as like, oh, this is one of those things that comes up a lot for that stops that connection point and, and some ways that you guys have found over the years to to overcome that.
36:19
Yeah, I’m just thinking about the general community and it’s a lot of the actually the work I do as a profession too.
And I think one thing is just the simple things of like, how are you?
And the answer is good.
And it’s like, well, what does good look like?
And just open the conversations and to be honest, like, do you want to have a connection with this person or not?
36:38
And if you do, then to make the just that little bit of extra effort with that eye contact and that felt sense goes so long.
It’s so appreciated.
And so many people have run into in our, we have this little tea house sanctuary in our greater community that we all tend to meet up at and it’s just critical.
36:55
The other thing is just like follow the the bliss.
One anecdotal story is like, a bunch of us were sitting on this big couch at the tea house.
And, you know, one of them was like, hey, does anybody want to, like, just cuddle?
So I could use a little cuddle.
Like, yeah, before, you know, we had like, eight of us cuddling on this big couch.
37:12
And so now every Wednesday at 7:00, we have cuddle tea.
And then we literally had the owner put a sign on the couch saying this is reserved for cuddles.
And so, you know, just when there’s good things happening, like keep going down that path.
Don’t take it as a one off.
Like keep following that.
37:29
Yeah.
And I think a lot of times it’s just our own fear of rejection that gets in the way of it.
Like, you know, once you just say hi and somebody just say hi back to you or somebody you like, think is not liking you because they’re in a bad mood.
And we don’t take the opportunity to say hi or maybe even address it.
Like hey, is there something I did so we can just clear it but.
37:45
Yeah, I mean, I think that finding what each other’s love language is really important because like my love language is touch.
So for me, if I’m not being touched, I actually don’t perceive myself in relationship to this person.
38:02
This is great.
I’m going with it.
I’m getting a foot rub right now for those of you that can’t see what’s happening, but I have community mates that touch is not their love language.
And actually for them, it’s like 5th on their list and they prefer not to be, to be engaged in that way.
38:21
But how do we meet?
How do you find that?
What is still going to be your way to meet that person and connect with that person if that’s not what their their language is?
And so I think that like the things that stand in our way sometimes are just like not seeing what that other person needs and also forgetting to be appreciative.
38:47
I think if we’re appreciating each other and remembering to be in gratitude, you think about that like within your own partnership or your close friendship, like things fall apart when you’re not appreciating each other.
And what appreciation looks like to you might be different than what it looks like to you.
39:06
And how can I ask you how, how does it feel good for you?
Do you like that verbally?
Do you want me to appreciate you and tell you what I’m thankful for?
Is it cooking you a meal?
Is that how I get to, like, show you my love and appreciation?
39:22
And so, yeah, I think that I think an impediment to come back to your question is lack of appreciation.
And the antidote is gratitude.
Oh, why not for sure.
You know, when I was thinking about this question specifically, I feel what I’ve witnessed in our current structure over not the current structure over all these structures is that when you’re you’re in community ultimate, what you’re probably aiming to do is expand yourself, right?
39:52
Like if if you didn’t want to expand yourself some way, you’d do what everybody else is doing, right?
And in that, I feel like most people, this is what we’ve witnessed.
I most people, people really want to help.
40:11
Like it’s built inside of us people.
And So what I find is important when you’re in the aspect of community is that you have to find that balance of like, when am I just taking care of myself versus supporting and doing things for the community?
And I struggle with that constant, no, I’m going to re.
40:31
I’ve been working on this, actually.
I see this.
They’re much better.
Yeah, I’ve actually gotten really good at it.
It’s a lot.
Better that you’re doing that work.
Yeah, like I just took two months away and it was gone for December and January of this year and was overseas and I was like, I’m not one single text thread, not one e-mail.
40:50
I had no idea what was going on, which was good for me in many ways.
A little bit of struggles, but, and I tell people this often, you know, because like when you want to give and you want to serve, it’s like, oh, I have people have a tendency to think like they’re not doing enough.
41:08
And the reality is most people that we encounter do I mean, once in a while you get something, you know, on the other side and they have to have that opposite conversation.
But I’m constantly, you know, I just had this conversation yesterday with what our community members.
It’s like you’re doing an amazing job.
Just stop, just take care of yourself doing.
41:27
And this is an ongoing conversation.
And I, you know, wonder if other community members, communities see that’s yeah, right.
And it’s just like, you know, and I think it’s a lot of ways it’s a good thing, right?
We want to serve, we want to help.
But if we don’t do that, we’re not filling our own cup.
We’re actually not the best community member as we can be.
41:44
So I think that’s an ongoing struggle that I’ve seen that really gets in the way of people because but people kind of burn themselves out then and like, I don’t know if I want to do this community thing anymore or whatever.
So I think that’s really important.
I’m thinking about my experience.
42:01
I’ve left Southern California and we’ve extremely, I think most people in this room are from this area.
It’s a very, very touch positive community that exists down here.
And so I’ve now moved up to Southern Oregon and it is not that it’s really not.
42:17
And it’s been challenging for me cuz I keep having this feeling of like I’m not getting what I need.
I’m not getting what I need.
People don’t just naturally fondle each other and cuddle.
What type of community is going on here at EVO?
42:36
It’s, you know, and I’m, I didn’t realize how much I was a touchy person until I got up there cuz there’s some really touchy people down here.
I always thought I was like, yeah, you know, I like it.
But then I got up there and I’m like, somebody touched me.
So how do you, what’s the antidote to that?
42:55
I’m, I built it.
I made it.
I was like, OK, ladies, we’re gonna have, I mean, I’m all into the girl time too, sister circles and whatnot.
So I’m like, we’re gonna have a night at my house and we’re just going to come together and we’re going to touch each other and we’re going to massage each other and we’re going to do facials and we’re going to, like, just be all up in each other’s business.
43:13
So it’s like that part of, you know, something’s not here that I want.
OK, make it.
Go do it.
Don’t wait for somebody else to create it for you.
You know, like, if you need more touch, make that touch happen.
43:29
If you need more community meals, invite people over to your house.
And then the other thing is as boundaries, you know, like, are you able to say no to people and have no be a complete sentence?
Because a lot of people come into community and they are very hungry for validation and they want to like prove that they’re worthy of being there and prove that they are like a good, like I’m here.
43:54
And then they come in.
And this is, this is for the, the capital C, like intentional community folks like come in and just like give, give, give, give, give, give, give because they’re trying to get like prove that they’re worthy and prove that they belong there and prove that they would be a good person to have there.
44:11
But then they burn themselves out and then after like six months, like basically can’t be there anymore because they haven’t worked and paid their bills.
And like it’s just been too much.
So you have to, whether it’s an intentional community or in just a shared community, have the the ability to say no thank you, I can’t do that today.
44:33
You know, you still can show up.
These are the things I can show up for, but these are the things I cannot show up for.
This is where I can be social.
You can’t be social everywhere all the time for all the things.
You can’t just keep giving and giving and giving.
You have to also be able to give to yourself.
44:49
So I think strong boundaries and that piece of personal reflection to know when to say yes and when to say no is a really good thing to bring into any community structure.
If I can just add a little bit to that, because I think that I won a no is a complete sentence is one of my favorite phrases and I got that from Jane Fonda.
45:10
Actually, I don’t know if I can Fonda side, don’t you know, but what, you know what I what I’ve been as a, as a leader and what I’ve been guiding people into is like, because I think this is beautiful, what you’re saying, but people don’t know how to do it often.
45:29
So reminding people my assistant is a great example.
Mason isn’t the hardest worker I know and I’m constantly reminding him it’s OK for you to say no and he’s getting better at it, you know, but it it takes time to cultivate that with people.
So if you are leading, if you are guiding people, making sure you have that conversation, don’t just expect them like, oh, they know they can say no.
45:51
Like they’re not going to, most likely they’re not going to do it because they’ve had a lifetime of history of where they’ve even ask for what they want and didn’t get it and stuff like that too.
So you have to like really build it and keep like letting that no grow.
So then that and pay really close attention because if you are working this with somebody and then they actually ask for what they want, I think it’s really important for us in that moment to hear them because that’s, you know, kind of the yes is also learning part of the no to you know, and really being able to make sure you hear that clearly because that’s the opportunity of growth in that.
46:24
And I mean, particularly in intentional community like these are not small ventures.
You know, when you buy a piece of land, you’ve got multiple houses, you’ve got multiple families.
Generally speaking, it’s around a shared vision.
You’re trying to build a thing, whether it’s a retreat center or courses or gardens and farms or schools.
46:45
You know you can.
It’s a bottomless pit of places to put your energy.
You know, the community will take everything that you have and always still need more.
I don’t know of a single community anywhere that’s like, Oh no, we’re good.
47:01
We got it.
We have enough money.
We’ve got more than enough people.
Like our work parties.
We always get way more done than we thought we were going to.
Like, we just don’t know what to do with all this energy.
This is not a thing, you know, because we’re also like have jobs and families and like our, you know, families of origin that need, need us and all the things.
47:22
So yeah, I mean, I come back, I think of so many residents who’ve come here, came to EVO over the years and we would just say to them point of like, you have to say no.
You have to say no.
You got to say no, like, and it’s fine.
It’s good.
You’ll be much nicer to be around when you have not completely taxed your system and bringing that fun back.
47:43
Like, who wants to hang out with like, oh God, I’m so tired.
I’ve been giving and giving and no one ever sees me and no one ever appreciates me.
No, it’s like, oh, I, I went, I got my nails done and it’s fine.
I took care of myself.
Like I feel good about myself and this is how I can show up.
48:00
And that’s a much more attractive energy and much more fun energy to be around anyway, you know?
Yeah.
I totally agree with the the no as a complete sentence.
And there’s another possibility there too, which is the no.
But you know, no.
48:16
But if you want some connection with me, here’s another alternative or no.
But this is just not the right time.
So there’s context to it.
And I think it also is a reminder of where we’re at.
Sometimes we just need the hard no and walk away because now it’s not the time to get into the butt.
And there’s other times we’re more resourced and we can kind of watch ourselves along the way.
48:34
I did want to go back if it’s OK to the original part of the question, like what gets in the way, especially in the greater context of trying to have community outside of land based communities.
And yeah, I really feel the loneliness and social isolation loop that I see a lot.
48:49
And the work I do is just like, it becomes really hard because we get like, hard on ourselves because we haven’t been given the gift of like, you belong and we appreciate you for who you are, not what you have achieved or what you’ve done.
And that happens a lot in community.
Like, what are you contributing?
I say, well, no, aren’t I just enough?
49:05
And so in these loops, we tend to get into the habits that keep us from other people.
So we go to the screens, which is very common for us, and we just need to notice our habits.
We go to substance and I’m not saying any of these are bad per SE, but we can notice that when we’re feeling lonely, what we really need is somebody else.
49:22
But when we get in these loops, it gets harder and harder to reach out.
So it’s like really breaking the cycle and like almost kind of doing the opposite and like go sit in that tea house or go call a friend when this is the last thing you want to do.
And so as we get into these loops, we can feel, we can feel the contraction, we feel the tightness in our chest, We can feel our whole bodies collapse a little bit.
49:42
And we need to like somatically expand and open up again.
And we need somebody else, just one hand to put out there, like, will you hold my hand Can be enough.
And so once we break that loop, then the connection can come back in and just watch ourselves because we’re in a society that really reinforces individualism and achievement.
50:00
And that all leads to isolation.
And without getting too heady, just kind of trust your body at what it needs and see if you can shut that head off a little bit.
And to go along with that, you know, I think watching how you can bring in things that are going to create more connection.
50:17
So there were as a period of time when we would do women’s circles once a month and there would also be a men’s circle once a month.
And that happened to work for our community.
It doesn’t have to be always that.
There was like plenty of time that we were all together.
50:32
We were with the kiddos.
But I remember having so much resistance to those women’s circles, you know, just, you know, like, we need to connect, we need to be seen and we need to share about what’s going on in our lives.
50:50
And I just want to get into my bed and put the blanket over my head or, like, Netflix and chill, you know?
I mean, I’m human, you know, and then going to the women’s circle and like, you know, I mean, you’ve watched it, you know, like and then going and just like feeling so seen and held and tears and or whatever, just fun or laughs and like it just being so yummy.
51:14
And I think that finding that balance too of like, what is the self-care?
And when is the time for us to go inward and to be on our own?
And when is the time to push through those places where we have the boundaries up or we have the resistance and connect?
51:32
And so, yeah, it’s a dance.
I mean, we’re all, we’re all such toddlers sometimes, you know, it’s like, take the medicine.
I don’t want to take the medicine.
Take the medicine.
I don’t.
Want to?
It’s going to make you feel better.
I don’t want to take the medicine.
Like come on, you have a good friend that’s giving.
You the medicine and holding your.
51:48
Skin.
Yeah, right.
I’m like, Oh yeah, just do that, it’s OK.
Saying, hey, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That is, it’s kind of a tough thing because it’s like I honor you for what you need and that you might need to take care of yourself right now, but I’m going to come find you.
52:06
I’m not going to let you hideaway too long.
Dave Buddha knows this one because he and I lived together for a long time, you know, take care of yourself, Leila.
And like, I’m here, you know, and.
Yeah.
You know, I wanted I think it’s hilarious.
52:21
I love this story because it’s like, you know, the thing usually it resists the most is often the thing that we need, right?
Sounded like you needed that women’s circle and here we are advocating for that to some degree, you know, an overarching thing with that too.
And then I think, you know, there’s all this information we’re given right, like saying no and turning it where’s your yes and all that too.
52:43
But I, I think one of the root foundations that I practice and encourage people to do not just in community is just show up.
And a lot of times, you know, showing up is you’re a fucking mess and you’re not in a good spot.
53:03
And to be seen in that too, you know, and the thing that I like to remember, if you show up and you get somewhere and you’re like, I don’t want to be here, all you have to do is leave, you know, it’s, you know, and this is that, you know, empowerment of yourself too.
53:20
But I think that you probably just kept showing up to the women’s circle.
Is that fair to say?
She’s nodding her head for out there in podcast land, you know, and then you show up and then you just you find stuff in that too.
So showing up for this panel is a part of me like, I don’t know, I got to go to the airport up in Santa Monica.
53:37
No, Thomas, just show up.
So I’m glad I showed up.
Just hearing this, like just saying yes is part of the the antidote, right?
Just saying yes to more of the things to get us out of the out of that loop.
I also just wanted to mention too, that trusting ourselves, like really believing in ourselves that we know what’s best with a little caveat, little asterisks, body, right?
54:02
Our minds want to create the stories and the constructs and the wise and like our bodies really know it.
So the more we can shut the mind off and get into the body that lets us tap into a deeper sense of truth, the better off we are.
So the more somatically oriented we can be in this process, the better.
54:19
So it’s really doing the somatic work and there’s a lot of great practices out there to get more in touch with your body, including dance, which is such a big part of a healthy community, in my opinion.
Like we are human beings.
We’ve been dancing since the beginning of time.
Like how we can move our bodies again to get really in touch with that so then we can trust it more and then trust ourselves.
54:40
I feel like we’ve touched on a lot of the these like Ding, Ding, like these are some things that you can take with you.
And I guess the, the like kind of final question, I do want to see if anybody here has any questions from what they’ve heard.
54:56
But kind of my final question for, for the panel is really around, you know, life is so full already.
You know, it’s so full already that it’s hard to even imagine.
How am I going to where?
Where is the time going to come from to squeeze in this?
55:14
One more thing, you know, and what do you think?
What do you think about that?
Just what do you think about?
I’m so busy.
I’ve already got this and this and this and this and this.
Permission to be controversial.
Yeah, go.
You’re not too busy.
55:30
We’re not too busy.
We’ve made that up.
I think we’ve created the busyness.
We’ve accepted some of the norms that we’re in.
And yes, it makes it very hard not to feel like we want to be busy.
So it fills us up and all the things, but I’ve found personally, and again, that I’m not the one with the answers.
55:45
It’s just my experience that as I decide what is what matters most.
Here’s a great example for me is being informed part of my values, being informed, right?
Which means for a lot of people reading the news or watching this, it is not, it never has been.
56:03
But because the way I grew up in my family, if I didn’t read the New York Times every day, I was out of the conversations.
And as I realized that time hour or two, like read it front to back in the morning when I get up early, like was just taking everything away from me.
But like where my energy was going, like as I was like just quiet walked with me thinking about politics.
56:23
That’s not the point.
It’s just the example.
Like we, I believe we do have enough time to prioritize and we can say no to all the things that are out there.
It takes a lot of courage and will create a lot of dissonance with some other people initially.
But those that are also trying to do that, I think will start to attract more in your life.
56:40
And yes, it’s really hard to do.
And yes, we are very busy, especially we have kids.
So like, I don’t want to diminish that real difficulty of trying to come from another perspective.
It’s interesting because I have a similar thought on that too.
You know, I work with couples, you know, all week long and I’m always trying to give suggestions of what they could do in and this time issue comes up.
57:02
And I always say, OK, well, if I gave you, you know, because one of the things I asked people to do is just, you know, tense spade, 10 minutes three times a week connecting.
And I have some strict questions I ask each other.
And I said, I’m like, if I gave you $100,000 to do it each time, would you do it?
I’m like, oh, yeah, absolutely.
57:18
You know, so partially, you know, you know, our mind is powerful, right?
So if we are leaving this conversation today and say, oh, we don’t have time, well, yeah, you don’t have time.
But what about if you’re telling?
We’re telling ourselves, oh, I have time for what is important for me and my growth in my life.
57:39
OK, So anybody who does a meditation practice, right, Most of us.
I don’t know who you all are, but I know, I know.
Like what?
I meditate.
My life is better, you know, period.
So I like the time to do that, too.
It’s always over coffee because coffee makes it way easy to do it.
57:56
And I just work with it like, wow, I have time in my coffee.
I’m just meditating on my coffee and the beautiful view on my window.
You know, if I can add something to this guy, I know one of the questions that I know of her specifically there too is like, you know, make, you know one, change it.
58:13
You know, tell yourself I have time.
Because when you make the time for certain things in your life, everything else in your life becomes a little bit better.
So I wholeheartedly believe if my clients spend 10 minutes three times a week connecting and doing these questions, their relationship is going to be better.
58:28
I don’t think that I wholeheartedly embody and believe that if they do it well, I should say so making the time for that.
And then some of the things like, you know, as you leave here today too of like, well, what does that look like in action for you to be able to start building some of your own community?
58:48
Like simple thing is like we want to remember, loneliness is an epidemic.
So if you are living in this, no matter where you’re living, if you live in the city, as you know you’re living in a condo, you got people around you.
You want to remember all majority of those people are lonely, even if they don’t know it.
59:04
OK, so when we invite people to be with us, they’ll say yes.
So some actions you could do is like have a dinner party or have a potluck, make it even easier.
It doesn’t take any take any take any as much energy from you, you know, have a a painting party, an arts and crafts thing.
59:23
People like to be invited, period.
You’ve all been invited to bloom and look how many you’ve been invited to this panel, right?
You were invited and you showed up.
So people like to be invited.
Find the things that you really enjoy to do that you want to pass on and just invite people just like kind of what you said with the the touch, right?
59:42
You like invited the ladies to touch and then that builds.
So I think that’s one of the easiest ways for you to build connection and to build community.
You get to do something you love and be around other people, and those people usually get fed by that also.
I mean, I was kind of laughing, Thomas, when you were talking about that because, you know, those connection times with couples, you know, I’ll shot and I had a good laugh because we’re working with someone now as a couple.
1:00:09
And, and if they, they asked us, you know, they said, he said to us, well, what if you, you know, held each other for 30 minutes a day?
And I was like.
We have two kids like 30 minutes a day and then we’re like laughing.
1:00:26
We’re like, we fight for about 30 minutes a day.
So we probably could hug each other for about 30 minutes a day.
It’s a joke.
It’s a joke.
But let’s just replace the time that we’re, you know, in conflict with the time that we’re connecting.
1:00:43
And but as coming back to your question, we’re working on it.
Yeah, yeah.
We’re going to be hugging more than 30 minutes a day today.
Every time you see us, we get maybe we can like tally up some marks for the future for the for the week to come.
1:01:03
But it’s kind of when I, when you ask that question about time, I’m, we’re contemplating right now getting a, a dog for our child who, who has special needs.
And the, the question always is like, how in the world are we going to find the time to, and the extra energy and what it takes to bring in a dog to our lifestyle, which already feels so full.
1:01:28
It’s a question some of you asked when you went to have children.
And you know what that gives and what that brings in the joy in your home, in the laughter over the dog and the puppy or whatever it is in.
1:01:46
It feeds you and it gives you more time in certain ways.
And I think that community can be kind of like an analogy for that.
It’s like in the ways that it’s hard and it is time consuming and it’s all it’s in as many ways or more feeding you and creating more time for you and spaciousness in your life.
1:02:07
So I don’t know how you guys feel about.
That it’s reminding me of this.
So we had an event here a few years ago and we invited Dave Bronner, who’s the, he’s from the Doctor Bronner’s soap company to come and speak.
1:02:24
And he’s a, he’s a very avid activist.
He does a lot of activism work.
The company supports a lot of, of activism work and I asked him to come and do a panel or do a lecture on, you know, I don’t know, Dave, what do you think?
Like something like like 3 easy things that you could do now if you’re like a busy mom to do to do activism.
1:02:44
I’m like, you know, these moms, they don’t have time to write letters to their senators and stuff like what can they do?
Like what’s something he’s like that’s not a thing.
Like that’s the easiest thing you can do is just sign a petition or write a letter if you like.
It was so cut and dried for him that no, there, that is as easy as it gets.
1:03:03
Writing that letter is as is the minimum requirement for for entry to participating in this in this reality.
And so I think about that in terms of community, like if you’re too busy to pick up the phone and call a friend, if you’re too busy to, to to host, like your, your priorities are just radically out of line.
1:03:24
Like your priorities are not where they need to be in order to have this dream that you think that you have.
So if you have the dream of community, if you have the dream of connection, if you have the dream of an, of a different paradigm on this planet of relating and holding each other and, and communing and, and all of that, then today, pick up the phone and call somebody, you know, instead of scrolling on Facebook and say, oh, I wonder what that old high school friend is up to now.
1:03:53
I want to check in on their kids.
Like no, pick up the phone and call them, invite them over for coffee.
Have them have that that deep connection moment right?
This notion of like when we say we’re too busy, like, hold on, wait one second here.
1:04:10
Like what does that really mean?
Because it’s just a moniker.
I’m too busy, right?
We’re telling ourselves, we tell other people.
It’s also because write a passage in the entrepreneurial world.
And So what is it that’s too busy?
What it, you know, like what’s behind this?
And so not to just let that go and be the final answer that I’m too busy.
1:04:28
Like, what is it?
What’s underneath that?
What are you not doing?
And then what’s underneath that?
Like, let that be the portal.
Maybe that’s the indicator.
Now that can be the trigger.
I’m too busy.
Hold up.
I’ll give one short story.
I was walking by a dear friend who I give like the deepest, deepest hugs to like just love this man to death and he loves me back.
1:04:48
And it’s the best, like the best Co regulation ever.
Seriously, like better than all the female counterparts I’ve had.
Like this guy knows how to love.
And I was late to a meeting and I’m walking by him.
He’s had a coffee shop.
I’m like, hey, Marone, I’m like, I’ll come.
1:05:03
I could give you a hug, but I’m busy.
I got to go.
And I literally caught myself and said I just stopped.
I said fuck, excuse me.
I said hold on.
I dropped my bag, went over and hugged him.
So I heard myself say those words.
And it was such a great trigger, like something’s wrong, I’m too busy, something’s wrong.
1:05:21
So that just hit me as you shared that it was really helpful for me.
I know her to the end.
I’d like to add some of the other way to is I invite anybody here and then anybody lives in podcast land is, you know, as an invitation is as you finish this podcast, like either pick up the phone and call somebody you haven’t talked to in a while.
1:05:40
One thing I do a lot is I do voice memos.
And there’s many people in this room nodding their head right now because they know this for Becca included.
And then sending pictures, you know, just sending a few pictures.
When they, every time a photo comes up in my memories of somebody that I love, I just send it to him.
1:05:59
I don’t even say anything.
I just send the photo, you know, and they usually start something too.
So these are just very simple ways that really don’t take much more time, you know, and be able to establish, you know, connection with people.
And think about it like when you receive just a random voice memo or text message from somebody you love or a photo, how do you usually feel?
1:06:21
How do you usually feel?
I love it and I do it all the time.
See, I’m pretty good at it and it’s I hear it from people a lot like Thomas, you’re so good at this.
So I just kind of want to share that that I want to type my ego cuz look how good I am now.
It’s more of like, I feel it’s a skill that’s cultivated and when we cultivate that, it helps all of us build community and connection.
1:06:41
Beautiful.
Just wanted to drop in this.
You might have seen this somewhere before, but it’s just this beautiful photo slash list of things that you can do to build community.
And as I, as I read this, I just want to invite you to like close your eyes and picture yourself doing these things.
1:07:00
And hopefully we’re like planting the, the, the memories of ourselves doing these things right now.
So it’s becomes a part of who we are.
Turn off your TV.
Leave your house.
Know your neighbors.
Look up when you’re walking.
Greet people, Sit on your stoop.
1:07:17
Plant flowers.
Use your library.
Play together.
Buy from local merchants and share what you have.
Help a lost dog.
Take children to the park.
Garden together.
Support neighborhood schools.
1:07:33
Fix it even if you didn’t break it.
Have potlucks.
Honor elders.
Pick up litter.
Read stories aloud.
Dance in the street.
Talk to the mail carrier.
Listen to the birds.
1:07:49
Put up a swing, help carry something heavy.
Barter for your goods.
Start a tradition.
Ask a question.
Hire young people for odd jobs.
Organize a block party.
1:08:06
Bake extra and share.
Ask for help when you need it.
Open your shades.
Sing together, share your skills.
Take back the night.
Turn up the music.
1:08:21
Turn down the music.
Listen before you react in anger.
Mediate a conflict.
Seek to understand, learn from new and uncomfortable angles.
Know that no one is silent, though many are not heard, and work to change this.
1:08:47
I hope you’ve enjoyed this final episode of the season of the Inside Community podcast.
I am so grateful to Aaron Kalo, Layla Mccrease, and Thomas Wall for all the wisdom that they shared in our panel discussion.
This is the last one we’re going to do for a while, but if it’s your first time listening to the show, welcome.
1:09:07
We’re going to be taking a pause in production, but if you’re hungry for more, please go back and listen to Season 1 or Season 2 and learn more.
Learn everything that you can about collaborative culture and intentional community.
Follow the podcast and reach out to me for consulting work at Inside Community Podcast on Instagram.
1:09:28
And you can also follow me at my personal page at Rebecca Mezritz if you’d like to stay up to date with events that I’m producing here in Southern Oregon and my other creative endeavors.
If you’d like to learn more about the Emerald Village and attend one of their events, including the newly renamed June Bloom Festival coming again in June, check them out on Instagram at Emerald Village Oasis or sign up for the newsletter at www.emeraldvillageoasis.org.
1:09:56
If you want to learn more about creating your dream community or any aspect of community, check out the Inside Community Podcast sponsor, the Foundation for Intentional Community.
FIC is an incredible Resource Center with weekly events, online courses, classified advertisements, and lots of free educational materials.
1:10:15
Podcast listeners get 20% off in the FIC Bookstore and 30% off FIC courses.
You can check out the show notes for more details on that and if this podcast has been inspiring or helpful to you.
As always, I hope you’ll like it and share with your friends.
1:10:31
All of the episodes are going to stay live online wherever you listen to podcasts.
So if you’re missing us, you can always tune back in and tap into the wonderful wealth of knowledge that’s been shared on this show.
Thanks again for listening, and I look forward to seeing you next time on the Inside Community Podcast.
1:10:48
Who left the dishes in the shared kitchen sink?
Who helps out Johnny when he said too?
Much to drink.
How do we find a way for everyone to agree that’s inside community?
1:11:07
It’s a podcast y’all.